We have all been there, at one point or another, facing the dark night of the soul. It hurts beyond words. We want to escape, medicate, fight. We just want it to stop—asap. 

Sometimes we are so busy trying to conquer difficult states like anxiety or depression or addiction, we never stop to ask why it came in the first place.

We can become curious...

These states are trying to tell us something about ourselves & the world... And their true message may be found under all the resentments, fears, attachments, conditioning & well-worn stories.

When we listen, we may find the true need that exists under the "want."

These states may offer a heart-centered call to action. We may be asked by Spirit to create, connect, express, heal, transform, or serve.

Perhaps there is a call to create a work of art, a poem, or a community service program. Perhaps there is a call to work with a healer, go on a retreat, change habits, or experience plant medicine. Or perhaps the call is for silence, rest, and self care. Only you know.

“Listening” to these difficult states does not mean indulging or prolonging them, it just means paying attention & responding with compassionate skill. Indeed, truly listening to them may be just what is needed to midwife them through transformation. 

Here are a few favorite ways to inquire into difficult states and "mine the shadows."

Cheers to the eternal unfolding, dear ones.

1. WRITE. Journal. Free flow a stream of raw words at hyperspeed. No editing. No censorship. Express recklessly. Write clear or cryptic, literal or poetic, linear or time traveling. Your choice. Super charge this one by timing yourself: 5 minutes, 10 minutes, 20 minutes. GO.

2. GIVE IT A VOICE. Literally. What does the difficult state have to say? Talk. Sing. Grumble. Growl. Scream. Speak in tongues. It can be words—or primal sounds. Get weird. Do this alone—or ask a friend to witness. Hot tip: Smash your face in a pillow if you don't want neighbors to call the police. ;)

3. MOVE. Walk. Run. Dance. Shake like a wolf in a rain storm. Flee from dangerous spaces into safe ones. Or turn up the music and let your body create an untamed poem. 

4. MEDITATE. Go inward. Just sit, pay attention, and breath. You can't do meditation "wrong" or "bad." It's not about accomplishment, though the contemporary Western mind loves to approach everything that way. Meditation is simply a way to explore, enjoy, & listen to your Self... and UNIVERSE/SPIRIT/CREATOR... and savor all flavors of existence along the way.  

5. NATURE. Take a hike. Hug a tree. Talk to stars. Whisper to the moon. Touch a river. Dig your hands into the earth. Pull weeds. Plant a seed. Rake leaves. Stop and smell the roses. Listen to birds; they have a lot to say. 

6. TAKE A BATH. Let that hot water slow you down and bring you into the present via your senses. Make it a ritual. Light a candle. Bless the space with a sacred aromatic like sage or cedar. Power up the water with a few drops of pure essential oils. Epsom salt and sea salt help to deepen the experience, draw out toxins, and saturate you with magnesium, a fantastic mineral that calms the nervous system and supports many healthy functions. Get ready for inspired downloads and epiphanies. 

7. GIVE IT A NAME. Ever heard that old adage? When you know a demon's name, you have power over it. So get to know that anxiety, depression, addiction, or any other difficult state, and give it a catchy name. Naming it helps you to detach, observe, study it, and recognize it as a temporary pattern you've picked up—and not necessarily a fundamental part of yourself. In other words, these difficult states are just like fleas on your skin; they are not your bones or blood. 

8. SWEAT. Any sweat will do. Japanese bathhouse, sweat lodge, or laying in warm sun on a beach.  Move that fluid. 

9. LEARN. Books. Courses. Retreats. Podcasts. Mentors. Workshops. Counselors. Hone in on those resources that speak to your need. 

10. CONNECT. Community. Fellowship. Touch. Hugs. Trusted confidents. Support groups. Burningman camps. Spiritual organizations. Educational societies. You know, connect with real friends, the kind who will help you move and bring you soup when you're sick. If you don't have those kinds of friends, then BE one of those.


Experiment. Notice if your difficult state softens or changes after a few of these.


+ BONUS TIP!

11. SERVE. Help others get through the same challenge. ...But only when you can speak from some experience. In essence, don't try to feed others when you're still starving. The possibilities are endless.


​Though everything in life may not always feel like "a blessing," we can make blessings out of whatever life throws our way. 


All these tips aside, some difficult states may be too difficult for DIY answers, especially when trauma is a part of the story. If you ever feel that you might need additional support, reach out to a qualified mental health professional.

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​You've written a powerful and very intimate memoir, Beauty Disrupted, about your personal journey from disempowerment to empowerment, trauma to healing, and silence to finding your voice. You openly share about surviving anorexia, sexual abuse, domestic violence, and exploitative work in the (often glamorized) modeling industry. The authenticity and vulnerability in your story was so striking. It clearly took great courage to reveal so much.

​How did you come to receive the calling to write the memoir? And what kinds of difficulties or challenges did you encounter along the way?

The calling was loud and clear. It was actually unavoidable. There was a moment that all of the voices telling me I needed to SHARE were everywhere. Subtle and not so subtle. I began  to tune in to the cultural norm of women, societal expectations... both within my industry and without. I began to see the pervasiveness of abuse and objectification that I had grown up with and become so accustomed to.  There was this common thread of avoidance and sugar coating and minimizing predatory and abusive behavior. Having been deeply submerged in an industry for decades that does just this—while normalizing these dysfunctional behaviors, it was already well on my radar.

Becoming a mother… a mother to daughters,  was a game changer. I awakened to a deep sense of responsibility. I understood quite clearly and literally that my mission was to be a voice, use my platform and be an advocate for change. 

All of these pieces were a perfect storm to ornament me with the courage to step out and into the voice and message I maintain today. In the earlier part of my life, I subscribed to being a "victim" of the patriarchy that defines and dictates many women's stories. It was the belief system I had grown up in, without questioning its validity as it pertained to defining MY Story. This construct really shattered in its entirety when I stumbled across my ex-husband being interviewed by Barbara Walters. As he again recounted his version of our time together, it became crystal clear that it was time for my story to come forth. 

I am so grateful for the spiritual foundation I had under my belt. The many years of practice and discipline. The steps I had taken to fortify my relationships with family and friends. From Tibetan Buddhism to the shamanic path, I had a team of angels to guide and protect me. But that didn’t make the lifting easy or light. There were many tests. Obstacles. Wrath. Scorn. I really saw every shade of the human response towards me being a woman with a voice. It was as if there was some silent unspoken contract I had signed when I came into this body that I would be the KEEPER of secrets and sorrows. And I really had to consciously rescind that. A well behaved woman never makes history. I can relate. I am not well behaved. And proud of it. 

​​Would you say that telling our personal stories can be healing for the collective? How so?

Absolutely! I truly believe that as we step up and do our part and participate, whether its finding our voices, telling our stories, or healing ourselves through therapies, we contribute to healing the Global Archetype. We are part of a collective. Together we rise. Together we can also fall. Its really time to rise. Other women's stories have given me so much courage and inspiration. We are safer in numbers. I encourage women to share their stories. Its cathartic. Its empowering. It also can take the "charge" out of the wounds. One thing I am ever cautious about, however, is that I have been very clear that I am not my story. My evolution and place on this planet at this time has been informed by my experiences, but I am so much more than my story… I am not a victim, but a survivor. I am careful with what I identify with. Without the work I have done I could easily identify with the violence I have experienced, or the betrayals… and on and on. I chose to not be defined by these experiences but to be empowered and it does enable me to relate to so many on their own journeys. 
​

​
​Your story offers great perspective for women who many be suffering from emotional abuse and domestic violence, as we get to walk in your shoes over the course of many years and a lot of personal healing. This can be illuminating for those women who may recognize the same abusive patterns in their relationships & who may not see a way out when they are in the thick of it.

What advice would you offer to any women out there who realize that they may need to get away from an abusive relationship?
​
Ah…. I recall the day that I truly felt immobilized. Paralyzed by fear. I could not fathom or dare to imagine the path forward. There didn’t seem to be any way out of my situation, which really is a text book feeling when one is in an ongoing abusive violent situation/relationship. I look back and can see that there were angels that graced me. There were women that came and spoke with me. Not with an agenda or objective, but to share their own stories of struggle, abuse and then freedom. One such angel was Ally McGraw, the wonderful and talented model, actress, author, and yogini. She had been married to Steve McQueen, the  beautiful and dangerous rebel actor. Their situation was so similar to me and my then husband. She took the time to visit with me when I was deep in my despair. I couldn’t imagine at that time that I could be free like she was: accomplished, strong, and solo. She represented a female archetype that I had yet to have modeled in my life. I was awe struck. Of course it wasn’t anything instant but she planted a seed of possibility for me. One that I hadn’t ever considered: what would my life look like if I were to stand on my own, in my power, in my glory and grace and confidence? What would life look like if I lived and operated from my heart? A whole, healed heart. 
​
It takes a village. It takes a tribe. It takes sisters and aunts and mothers and grandmothers. I had to learn to reach out and take the hand that was extended to me. I had to learn to ask for help. These were basic principles foreign to me but truly the movement and freedom in my life has come by way of support from others. 

In the beginning, in preparing and making a plan of exit from my abusive husband, I sought therapy. I had to focus on myself, my goals, and a cohesive plan of departure. It was a terrifying time but with the support from my "team," I was able to make my exit. 

​
​What kinds of spiritual practices or healing modalities were a part of your healing journey?
​
I relied heavily on yoga and my meditation practice. My connection to the Dharma and Buddhism played a big part in my healing. It was a time for me to slow down and really allow myself to notice, to feel everything that was coming up. Nature has always played a big part in my mental health and feeling heart centered. Long walks in the mountains and on the beaches of Southern California were true medicine for my soul. 

How has your relationship with food and nourishment changed?
​
Food today is nourishment. Its fuel. When I was recovering, not recovered, I had a very fractured and frightened relationship with food as well with my body. Today I am grateful. I am turning 50. I take nourishment very seriously. From food for my body to the nourishment of my soul, my spirit. I live in balance and harmony with food and nourishment, and I try to model this with and for my daughters who are 10 and 11. 

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​In your story, you speak openly about a very taboo subject: faking orgasms. Where do you feel that this phenomenon of faking arises from? How can we heal it? Why is it so important for women to be completely authentic in our sensual intimacy?
​
I believe and have experienced first hand that often our identity and sense of "self" is intertwined in our sexuality. Like a job: who are you beyond what you do? Our one reference point for "self" is this human body, and often times our identity is also wrapped up in it. Why? Because unless one is on a spiritual path, one doesn’t tend to dig deeper.

It’s a big question… Who am I? It can be an uncomfortable question.

For me, being the performer and faking my way as this wild completely aroused woman was a persona that conveniently kept me away from experiencing true intimacy. It was a creation by my own design, but also one that I believe was placed upon me through societal expectations. Lets face it, modeling is performance art. Sex sells. The more that I could build up that character, the more I was sought after.

The irony of it! It took me a long time to even ask myself… "What do I like? What do I dislike? What feels good?” It wasn’t until after a five year vow of celibacy and diving deep into my own healing that I was able to arrive at a place where I was ready to name what it was I wanted as well as ask for those conditions in a relationship. And that is now where I am… with my husband of 13 years and 2 daughters.

For me, the "faking orgasm" was also wrapped up in my conditioning to serve others and to perform. There was a mistaken view that another's pleasure and arousal was more important than my own. There was also a big disconnect for me when in a situation that I could potentially feel vulnerable. There was fear in feeling vulnerable. I hadn’t yet tasted the sensuality of it. The magic of it. The potency of being in that open place. 

Granted, certain conditions need to be in place to feel safe in our vulnerability. Like a safe lover, a safe physical place, and trust. These were not qualities I had previously asked for nor cultivated in relationship. ​

I truly believe we magnetize exactly where we are at. If we are in the wounded archetype, thats what plays out. When we are in the sacred feminine, empowered in our divinity, this too is what we magnetize. 

​
​You are a mother of two girls now. How do you help them to have the healthy boundaries that you didn't have as a young person? 

Its amazing to me that I spent the majority of my life, all the way through my mid thirties, just learning how to say NO. I had never been empowered to use that word. I didn’t receive that initiation in my early years. Had I known that I could say no, defend myself, question, tap into my intuition to navigate which road to take, life would have been very different. Just simple body awareness, that my body is mine, was never instilled in me. My body was for others. From childhood through my career as a model. I was very disconnected and disempowered. 
​
With my daughters I have had such an amazing opportunity to empower them with all that was not uploaded to me. They are aware that their bodies are theirs. If something doesn’t feel right, they get to speak up. I actually remind them that they will be their own most fierce protectors, but they must exercise that muscle. Because it is a muscle that gets stronger the more we use it. 

In my family, we speak about food being fuel. We never speak about "diets" or shame other humans shapes or sizes or ethnicities. I actually make it a point to celebrate diversity in our household. We speak about different cultures whose values go beyond a Western aesthetic and celebrate aspects of strength, courage, and wisdom. I think we own every Strong and Courageous women's story book that there is to own. My daughters have grown up with conversations about the sacred feminine. They have grown up around Tibetan Buddhism and the strong women and mentors and surrogate mothers that I have had in my life. They have been part of sacred ritual around full and new moons as well as ways of our indigenous brothers and sisters. I am extremely grateful to have such a strong spiritual family in our lives. And, of course, these young women will find their own rhythm and ways. But it has felt truly important to have had them supported in the magical fabric that is our family life. 
​

​
​How as a society can we help young women have a healthy body image?

I believe that we do need to address what has become the norm within media. The massive subversive messaging that we all receive from TV, movies, commercials, video games, internet, music… it's impactful. An impossible, inhuman standard has been perpetuated within our culture, and quite frankly, it's reckless. Its negligent. Its abusive. It desensitizes us, as is the goal I believe. Coming from the entertainment Industry, I see the premature sexualization of our youth, the normalizing through advertisements of a rape culture, a violent culture. If you can consider that our average young male is receiving their first sexual encounter via internet exposure, porn, or video games—no wonder our statistics of rape has skyrocketed. Look at those images. Look at what messages are being perpetuated.

The change will take a big force, but there is headway after the #MeToo movement has unfurled. I am working with Model Alliance and change is under way from legislation to protect entertainment industry workers from sexual harassment. Programs like RESPECT will hold industry accountable and require healthier standards for our workforce. 

But as it boils down, the discussion we can have amongst ourselves is so important.  Part of empowering our young women and men is to demystify the images that they receive from media. I have a program where I walk through what actually takes place to create images in magazines, from airbrushing, lighting, photoshop, makeup, hair, clothes… etc. Essentially these images are extremely doctored. I also believe in the power of discussion. Intention. Celebrating diversity. Noticing when covers of magazines just pick apart the women and men on their covers. Also noticing how as women we are engaging in this dialogue as well. When are we criticizing and judging? From bodies to clothes to color? We all do it. How can we bring mindfulness into our conversations and consciously celebrate diversity and humanity? It feels so much better to do so. 

​
​What kinds of activist work are you currently involved in these days?
​
My work with Model Alliance. Recently I flew to State Capital Sacramento to testify before the labor commission to create stronger laws that would protect models from sexual harassment and sexual assault. I continue to educate and advocate for reform in our industry to safeguard its workers. Its appalling to me that the one industry (modeling) that employs our most vulnerable sector (youth and young adults) does not yet have laws in place to prevent sexual assault and abuse in the workplace. So far these crimes are not and have not been punishable under the law and many cases go unreported. I also am an Ambassador for the National Eating Disorder Institute and Project Heals. 

What are your next creative projects?

I am in the process of recruiting a team to help me share my story through a documentary film. I had been on the fence as to whether the next project is a book, however after some thought, I realized that the medium of film will be the best.

The Blue Lotus Foundation will be my focus over the next year, an organization which supports eating disorder prevention through educational workshops and presentations, as well as getting my business moving forward with its projects.

​
Have shamanic plant medicines and ceremonies been a part of your personal healing & development? How so?
​
I have been a practicing Tibetan Buddhist for thirty years. My spiritual path has been my guide and savior. My connection to my teachers, the discipline from the practices I have been so blessed to receive, have shaped who I am today. Yet my path has evolved over the last decade. I have been initiated into several shamanic lineages where sacred plant medicine is part of the path. My direct work with these teachers has been a game changer,  catapulting my healing and supporting even bigger growth on every level. Where I stand today, the view I have, and the freedom I have, has come through being graced with these teachings. I continue to dive deeper. Our work in these bodies will never be "done." At least mine. I am here to learn. And support others on their path of exploration. 
​

Mr. Boogie & I had the great pleasure of visiting the Ibogasoul retreat center for one month in Canada, where we supported one 8 day psycho-spiritual retreat and one 9 day detox retreat, both with natural iboga medicine and traditional Bwiti ceremony.

Ibogasoul was founded by Mark Howard and Robyn Rock. The center features sustainably and ceremonially harvested iboga medicine, with all of the naturally occurring alkaloids present. Mark and Robyn are clearly devoted providers, doing everything possible to help guests feel comfortable, safe, and cared for.

Before each medicine ceremony, with candlelight and Bwiti music filling the room, Mark offered traditional Bwiti wisdom transmissions called Fire Talks, helping people to study life, study themselves, and navigate the medicine. Mark also kept everyone cracking up and smiling while delivering the deep material. It was inspiring to witness Mark's attentive and skillful facilitation throughout each ceremony, from dusk to dawn and beyond.

Ibogasoul moves between British Columbia and Nelson in Canada. Their various locations offer a beautiful, comfortable, and immaculate retreat center.  
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We watched miracle after miracle there... Not to say that any plant medicine or ceremony is a "miracle," however the experience can be miraculous with these key elements: quality facilitation, a safe setting, pure & potent medicine, the full participation of guests, and Grace.

Some people have the false notion that the iboga medicine is some kind of "magic pill" that makes everything better, when in fact it is an intense journey likened to climbing the Himalayas within. It is WORK. And the guests who came to Ibogasoul were highly intentional, present, and committed to their process. People struggling with substance addiction, depression, anxiety, and trauma all gained a new light in their eyes, clarity in their minds, and a sense of physical cleansing. Several people were successfully freed from their chains of high dose opioid dependency.  Everyone stood a little straighter and prouder, yet a little gentler and more relaxed in their skin—like a green tree in the wind, looking freshly "polished" by the end of their retreat, all effects I often see with iboga. 

We enjoyed delicious, healthy comfort food created by the Ibogasoul chef, Rachael Anthony. She was very attentive and conscientious about each guest's unique dietary requests: gluten-free, vegan/vegetarian, dairy free, etc. When working with powerful plant medicine and spiritual ceremony, I have found that great healthy food is key! This helps to support our digestive system, the cleansing process, and the soul's delight. 

The house manager, Geoff, was a phenomenal host. Kind and meticulous, he kept the ship running and made sure everyone had their special needs met. I fondly nicknamed him "MacGyver" because it seemed he could fix any broken thing or resolve any urgent matter that arose. Though a gentleman in every way, he was tough and skilled, and he brought an incredible protective energy in the center.

We were blessed to have Bette visiting at the same time, an established iboga provider and a living treasure of ceremony experience. She contributed many deep insights to the Fire Talks and healing divine mother energy to the aftercare. 

 

Ibogasoul is fairly unique, being traditional Bwiti providers who also offer highly skilled medical support, available round-the-clock. This is Ibogasoul's medical director Patrick Fishley (shown above) is a seasoned critical care & intensive care registered nurse with over 700 iboga & ibogaine treatments under his belt. He has a solid understanding of the various contraindicated medical conditions, street drugs, and pharmaceutical medications. More, he is ACLS certified; this is an important medical emergency credential for all iboga & ibogaine treatments, whether detox or psycho-spiritual. With his guidance, guests can be properly prepared for their iboga treatment according to their unique medical situation. 

Patrick is available during the actual iboga ceremonies, and he is also available on site 24/7 for the entire retreat. Adverse events are rare with good medical screening, however if they do occur, they are more likely to occur in the 24-48 hours after initial administration of the medicine rather than in the treatment itself. It was great to see their deep commitment to qualified medical support.  

Patrick also happens to be one of the nicest guys you will ever meet, a true spiritual warrior with a healer's heart!

Check out my interviews with Patrick about general iboga info & microdosing considerations.   

I was blessed to be able to support my friend Robyn Rock with the traditional Bwiti spiritual shower. 

The spiritual shower is a powerful cleansing ceremony. Many medicinal plants, both African & local, are carefully blessed with the unique recipient in mind. The guest is washed with the soaked aromatic plants (while wearing light clothing). The spirits of the plants and the water are activated with intentions and prayers. All of the physical senses are cleansed and awakened. The ritual supports the guest to release the past and consciously bring in the new path. It is most often included in the psycho-spiritual retreat format (vs. detox). Robyn is a true heart-centered priestess and ritual artist!

I am super grateful for the spiritual shower that I received there from my Bwiti elder, Maud, who was also visiting at that time. I've never felt cleaner!
​

The natural environment and views surrounding Ibogasoul were stunning! Several times during the retreats, guests were taken on outings to bask in the fresh air, trees, and views of the bay.
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​I would gladly send my own family members to Ibogasoul. I am grateful to see such commitment, integrity, and grounded care from providers of this sacred medicine.

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*PLEASE NOTE: 

Iboga & ibogaine are illegal in the United States (sadly!). If you choose to experience these sacred medicines without legal persecution, you will have to go countries where these medicines are legal or unregulated such as Canada, Costa Rica, Mexico, or Africa.

There are always various risks associated with psychoactive/entheogenic medicines, and they may not be ideal for everyone. This page is for informational and harm reduction purposes only. This page is NOT intended as professional medical advice, diagnosis, treatment recommendation, personal suggestion, or endorsement. Please always seek appropriate medical and psychiatric care for your conditions—from carefully selected and qualified providers that respect your personal choices for healthcare.

 
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Patrick Fishley is the medical director at Ibogasoul retreat center in Canada. He is a critical care & ICU registered nurse who has overseen over 500 iboga & ibogaine treatments. Here we talk about the medical safety issues for microdosing iboga & ibogaine. Be sure to also check out our first interview on iboga & ibogaine medical safety.


YOU WILL LEARN:

• What makes iboga & ibogaine different from other entheogenic (psychedelic) medicines with regards to microdosing.

• What types of medical issues can arise with microdosing iboga & ibogaine.

• Why mail ordering iboga & ibogaine can be unethical, dangerous, and even deadly.

• What types of situations might be appropriate for microdosing the medicine.

​

Patrick Fishley is the medical director at Ibogasoul retreat center in Canada. He is a critical care & ICU registered nurse who has overseen over 500 iboga & ibogaine treatments. He is a treasure trove of wisdom about the medical safety aspects of these unique sacred medicines! He also happens to be a super nice guy!


YOU WILL LEARN:

• Why appropriate medical screening and medical support is vital for all iboga & ibogaine treatments.

• What kind of medical emergencies one may need to be prepared for in both psycho-spiritual and drug detox treatments.

• What unique qualifications are required for medical professionals who supervise iboga & ibogaine treatments.

​
You may also want to check out... 
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IBOGA INFO, SAFETY TIPS, & RESOURCES
&
SACRED MEDICINE COACHING

The MEDICINE might manifest as yoga or prayer or sacred visionary plants or martial arts or AA or artistic expression... 

The medicine path is the path motivated by love rather than by fear.

Sometimes the medicine is a straight shot to the moon. Other times the medicine is a winding path that crosses volcanoes & raging rivers.

Medicine can be messy and work in mysterious ways that become clear over time.

Medicine flows from the divine intelligence that is beyond the human intellect.

No matter the terrain, we can choose to be devoted to the medicine path.

Once you truly speak with your own soul, there is no turning back.

​
LOVE, e.

​
One year ago exactly, my beloved friend Psalm Isadora took her own life. 

It has taken me this long to share these words. I knew I had to—eventually. As with many who loved her, her death presented a journey into the belly of darkness and back, all laced with hard questions and deep wounds. These words did not come immediately; they formed through seasons, cycles, and earthly forces. Grief, like death, is a process.
​
Psalm was a teacher of yoga, tantra, sacred sexuality, and source of inspiration for many. Psalm was a powerhouse of a woman, an advocate of health and empowerment, an passionate activist, and a prolific creator.

​As a community, we were all left asking: How did this strong, driven woman come to that point?

She left us with only shards to sort through… I know that she would want us to look at these shards, tell the truth, and learn something from her tragic departure. She would appreciate the REAL TALK.

​I first encountered Psalm as she was just emerging into the seat of the teacher. She was fresh from India, activated, and in love with the path of yoga and tantra. She was just taking root in her own practices and integrating her profound transformational experiences. Still, as green as she was, she was on a mission to heal the sexual trauma of the world, like a juggernaut.

I hosted her at my yoga studio and attended one of her early retreats. She shared sweet practices that were accessible to rushing Americans. She brought in the drums and the Kali chants, she lifted the spirits and provoked the bravery of many beings. She held a potent space for presence, connection, warmth, beauty, and ritual. She taught hatha yoga to sex workers in the slums of India. She founded a non-profit called Courage to Rise, dedicated to women’s empowerment with programs in India and America. She raised awareness about our culture of sex-shaming. She was willing to reveal herself so fully to the world as a sexual-spiritual being. She was not a scholar; she was a lightning rod for Shakti, the dynamic primordial creative embodied energy.

Psalm seemed to be an unstoppable force of productivity. I often pondered how she summoned the force to produce as much as she did: events, projects, photos, writing, media. 

In that early Women’s Leadership retreat that I attended, I remember her playing a motivational video of a male athlete training like a beast, encouraging us to generate that kind of relentless drive and momentum. “You can sleep when you’re dead!” she was famous for saying, preaching a regimen of scant rest and long work hours. She was ambitious and wanted to reach the masses. When I asked her about honoring the menstrual cycle, she felt it was something to push through rather than a ceremony to surrender to. 

As a facilitator and educator, Psalm’s personal approach was not sustainable for my body, mind, or soul. It left me feeling depleted and disconnected. I needed eight hours of sleep a night if I was to be naturally functional. I needed to retreat into an intentional moon lodge with my menstrual cycle. I valued spaces of silence, hermitage, and non-doing. I decided that I’d rather have a good quality of life than break myself in efforts to produce more than felt organic for me. 

Though I remained friends with Psalm and appreciated all that she was, I did not continue to attend her events during the last few years. I followed the intuitive, quiet call of my soul in other directions. I watched from the distance via our connections on social media: her professional output remained remarkable, her beautiful photos were increasingly polished and business professional, and her marketing was ever sleeker, boasting all the answers to sexual fulfillment, financial abundance, and personal empowerment.

​However lovely her new persona, I missed that barefoot yogini that I first met, drunk on devotion with wild hair always on the verge of dreadlocks....
​

​
Then one day, when she appeared to be on the fast track to all she had desired, I received the shocking news. She had committed suicide. Psalm? It seemed impossible.

Very slowly, I gathered the shards… bits of information from those closest to her in the final days.

I learned that Psalm had at some point started taking Adderall, a highly addictive form of pharmaceutical speed, for productivity during the day. And then to sleep at night, she would take Xanax, a benzodiazepine.

Apparently this pharmaceutical recipe was inspired by other “high functioning” professionals. She took these drugs without professional medical supervision, and began to harm herself all under the banner of serving others.

Taken on a daily basis, each of those drugs have serious side effects, even more so in that combination. The dangers are magnified with the addition of the alcohol, which she regularly had in the mix. Even greater risks are present for people with bipolar disorder; Psalm had been open about her distant past struggles with mental health.

Then one day, she decided to quit all the drugs cold turkey. She was advised against this. She flatly refused professional medical supervision to help with a safe weaning process. Adderrall withdrawal alone can cause suicidal thoughts, anxiety, depression, violent behavior, extreme fatigue, and insomnia. Benzodiazepine withdrawal can also cause suicidal ideation, extreme anxiety, depression, abnormal sensory perception, panic attacks, hallucinations, seizures, psychosis, loss of memory, irritability, sleep disturbance, physical pain, tremors, headaches, palpitations, confusion, and more. 

Psalm was up against the perfect storm. 
​
Yes, we can blame it on the Xanax & Adderall. But what led to the drugs in the first place? Let's look at the shards.

“It’s not about me,” she’d often say. She had put herself on a drug induced cross.

Maybe it DID need to be about her, first and foremost.

How do we as facilitators, creators, and women too often over-give, over-work, and sacrifice ourselves to the point of self destruction?

We cannot truly serve others if we are in pain and poisoned. It's essential to have a healthy, grounded, nourished, clear self in order to show up for other beings on the earth plane in a sustainable and genuinely visionary way.

To offer the fruit of wisdom, we must grow it from wise roots... from a balance of giving and receiving. 

Psalm’s life seemed to express a microcosm of what's happening on the macrocosm for the feminine—and the earth.

“She stopped practicing,” observed one close friend of Psalm’s. When her personal spiritual practice no longer existed, she had become a symbol of tantra—rather than a vessel. 
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How can we as healers, guides, and educators put our personal practice first?

A strong personal practice is where all the gold comes from.

The moment that our marketing becomes more important than our morning ritual, we are loosing the essence of what we offer.

“I eat people’s pain. Not many people can do that,” Psalm said on a video toward the end. I wonder where this conclusion came from. 

She was known to binge on alcohol at times to the point of purging, and she would say this was her way of processing people's pain. This was a dangerous method.

As facilitators, can we really "eat" anyone's pain?

In truth, we can only create opportunities for people to digest their own pain. We cannot save anyone, we can only create opportunities for people to save themselves. We cannot do the work for people, but we can remain present next to people as they go through the fire. All the while, we cultivate our own spiritual immunity—and continually cleanse. We need healthy ways of composting and releasing the energies and stories of other people.
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"This manual for self-realization comes not from a mountain but from the mud.... My qualification is not that I am better than you but I am worse." 
—Russell Brand

This book is not just for people struggling with hard addictions! Though it could be especially helpful in such cases. This book is for any being that happens to be human. At some point, every human will face some form of addiction—and grapple that tendency to satiate the insatiable.  It is the human condition: endless and wandering craving, grasping, and attachment, all fired up by fear. However, the opportunity to transmute addiction is also part of the human condition, and Russell Brand serves as an inspiring and seasoned way shower.

With his classic ruthless honesty, reckless humor, colorful analogies, skinned-alive humility, philosopher's perspective, oracular tongue, familiarity with non-dual states, artful cussing, and grandiose vocabulary, Russell entertains as he educates about the 12 step program and his journey of recovery. By the way, you've never heard the 12 steps quite this before. Even seasoned 12 steppers will enjoy Russell's radical rendition of the process. He shares that he's been sober for 14 years—and confesses to still taking it one day at a time. That's all he can grasp. 

Raw, intimate personal stories are woven through the exploration of the steps.  Brand himself has experienced multiple addictions: heroin, other hard drugs, alcohol, caffeine, sex, work, fame, digital media, fame, chocolate, and even overusing his professional taxi account. He reaches beyond his personal specifics and speaks to all forms of addiction with compassion and clarity. 

12 step groups may not be right for everyone, due to a slew of various reasons. This 12 step guide is accessible to anyone, whether inside or outside of AA, NA, everything A, and especially to cynics, the impossibly misunderstood, and those who consider themselves to be worse than anyone. Whoever you are, you will find some solace and resonance reading this, and that heavy, armored shell might start to crack a little.  

12 step work can be a wonderful compliment for integrating entheogenic medicine journeys, with the right mentor and community. In my experience, good integration work and ongoing self-reflection can help one to receive all the long-lasting benefits of entheogenic medicine work, and this book could be helpful for that process.

Brand freely offers comprehensive program materials on his website. Right alongside a mantra addressed to divine power, supreme truth, and love, you'll find each of the 12 steps laced with the "F" word, starting with Step 1: Are you a bit f*****?

This book is a radical act of courage and another gem in the growing culture of transparency. Cheers to the the journey of recovery and infinite personal development. 

If you experience the audiobook, you will get to hear Brand's delightful Estuary English accent.

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Since rising to fame in 2003, Russell Brand has established himself as one of one of the world’s most celebrated stand-up comedians. Aside from stand-up, Russell is also a successful author, broadcaster, actor, podcaster, columnist, political commentator and mental health & drug rehabilitation activist. He has 2 cats, a dog, a wife, a baby, 10 chickens and 60 thousand bees, in spite of being vegan curious.

"...I think that the drug industry -- the manufacturers, wholesalers, distributors and chain drugstores -- have an influence over Congress that has never been seen before. And these people came in with their influence and their money and got a whole statute changed because they didn't like it." 
- JOE RANNAZZISI


There you go. A whole fleet of DEA agent whistleblowers state that the DEA—and congress—is now pretty much owned by the pharmaceutical opioid industry. Never mind the 200,000 people who have died in two decades in this opioid epidemic (of abusive practices), right?

And oh... A new bill, introduced in the House by Pennsylvania Congressman Tom Marino and Congresswoman Marsha Blackburn of Tennessee, makes it "nearly impossible" for the DEA to prosecute criminal practices of the pharmaceutical opioid  industry.

The cherry on top? ...Tom Marino was Trump's pick to be Drug Czar!

Surprised? Sigh.

I am not a fan of the DEA and their treatment of sacred medicines as Schedule 1 drugs, despite clear scientific research demonstrating the evidence of their value when held skillfully—and eons of indigenous traditions. However, I do appreciate the ethics and backbone demonstrated by the whistleblowers here, going after the real criminals.

My 2 cents: The answer here is not solely in granting the DEA the power they need to go after these greed-riddled companies. That's just a part of it. Let's ask: What got us into this opioid epidemic in the first place, in retrospect? How are doctor's educations and protocols influenced by the interests of pharmaceutical drug companies? What measures can we take to address the root issues that lead people to abuse drugs? And how can we all be more empowered with our own health care to begin with?

READ THE FULL ARTICLE ON CBS NEWS